In my mind, and to others, I constantly apologize for being me. Not necessarily in those exact words, but in the way I react or act or feel. In writing this post, I am going to attempt at blocking and putting out any one person that I worry about their thoughts of me. I am an overly emotional person. Point blank! I have been as long as I can remember. I distinctly remember a friend of mine telling me that, "Laura, you are just too emotional for me. You need to just stop being that way and stop being so emotional." I took it to heart and tried my darnedest to not be so emotional. So, obviously that didn't work and I am still as emotional as ever! However, I try so very hard to hide my emotions, if they don't coincide with who I'm with at that moment. My Mom & Dad tell me I wear my heart on my sleeve. That is true yes. And, like on Bachelor Pad, maybe I also wear my heart on every piece of my clothing too. I get hurt easily. I make the mistake of, when I get into ANY kind of friendship with someone, putting 100% trust in that person. If I find someone that is someone I would like to be friend's with I think I do or try too much to make that friendship stick. Even if I know that person really could care less whether I was their friend or not. And, no matter how sad I feel, or hurt I feel, I always make the mistake of going back and being friends. I guess that maybe makes me desperate. Who knows? I'm NOT AT ALL good with my words so, none of this may make sense. I also know I'm not the perfect angel and haven't been the nicest or best kind of friend with people also. I am embarrassed at distinctive times that I know I made someone feel bad. I regret those times 100%. While I know that not everyone in the world is going to like or get along with or love me, or vice versa, it's still not a good feeling knowing your friendship or care is not appreciated or wanted. Ya' know? I have also been blessed in my life to make some very special, life-long, AMAZING friendships with some awesome people. People that I click with. People that we've DEFINITELY had ups and downs with but, still remain friends. Those people cannot be taken for granted and I will love them forever for their kindness and friendship. I guess I just feel a bunch of up and down emotions the last few months or so. So so grateful with those I've become close friends with! Heavenly Father KNEW I needed these angels right now. But, at the same time, I feel so sad and upset with friendships that didn't work out or weren't the friendships I thought was there. I may and probably sound pathetic right now and that's ok, for right now. I just think, "Wow! I'm 33 years old and I feel like a little child!" In a lot of ways I am mature but, other ways (like this) I'm immature. Simply because I don't have enough confidence and love of myself to say, "Hey! So and so may not like me for me, etc. and that's ok!" I am constantly looking for acceptance and love from so many I come into contact with. If I don't feel that acceptance then it breaks my heart! My poor husband is probably so tired of the many nights I cry to him about his. I'm lucky to have him in my life to make me feel loved and accepted. He knows that I don't need something HUGE to feel accepted and loved. Simple, THOUGHTFUL, things go a LONG way! I think I've shared enough of my crazy way of thinking right now. This has helped me to realize how I treat those around me. While i may not get along with everyone, I can treat them with love and respect. I won't be perfect at it....none of us are perfect, right? I can try though.
