I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now!!!!

I feel like my body is falling apart.  Well, mostly the left side of my body at the moment but, still falling apart. For me, this is embarrassing to say.  I usual make joking comments about it or mock myself.  But, mocking or joking about myself if something I do to cover up my weaknesses, sadness, or fear.  The truth of the matter is that I am so embarrassed that I am 34 years old and feel like I am falling apart!  This isn't supposed to happen for another 20 years, right????  It's embarrassing to me because inside my head I fear and believe people are saying, "Well, maybe if you didn't eat like a pig your body wouldn't be that way!" or, "Maybe if you'd exercise once in a while, you'd feel better!"  Yes, maybe people are saying that but, the main problem is that I AM SAYING THAT!  So, why isn't it easier for me to just get up and change!!!!  That's an excellent question!  I'm sick of feeling this way, I'm sick of having no energy (except at 1am, like right now), I'm sick of hurting all over, etc.  So, you'd think that'd be motivation enough to get me going!  Well, it's not.  I feel almost beyond help to the point I feel like giving up!  I wasn't always this lazy looking or worn out!  Deep down inside this over-sized version of me is an athletic person.  I played on the high school fast-pitch softball team.  I also took part on volleyball and basketball teams!  I even loved playing football, leg-wrestling the heck out of ANYONE, lifting heavier weights than most girls and some guys!  I enjoyed being active and aggressive!!!!  One of the things that I LOVED to do in high school was lift weights!  I enjoyed being strong and it made me feel good inside.  I had a goal to squat 215 lbs. before I finished my Sr. year and I did it!!!!  Little did I know that because I wasn't lifting properly, it would begin the downward slope of my back being EXTREMELY painful today!!!!  From there, I graduated from school and stopped lifting, wasn't as physically active due to working so much, going to beauty school, etc.  Lame excuses but, nonetheless, my muscle turned to extra lovable skin!!!!  Then, I went on a mission!  I walked, and walked, and walked, then I walked some more!  Not only was I happy on the inside because of serving the Lord and his people, but, I felt great because I was finally in the best shape ever!!!!  I felt confident, beautiful, and like I was on top of the world.  Then, it changed AGAIN!  I let myself ago and fast forward many years, many trials, many struggles within, and here I am!!!!!  A young person at heart stuck in an old-lady body!  I know this is all my fault too!  If had taken better care of myself and treated myself with the love and respect it deserves, I would not be in the predicament I am in now!  I want to be a happier Laura!  Not only for myself but, for my husband and for my kids!!!!  My husband is my biggest fan!  He loves me NO MATTER WHAT!  He works so hard and does everything he can to provide for our family, take care of our family, and make sure we are happy!  My kids are so unconditionally loving to me!!!  They treat me and act like I walk on water!!!!  I love how they make me feel and how they look at me!!!!!  However, what I feel inside is KILLING me!  I"m not the same person I used to be!  I was once a giggly, vivacious, perky person!  Now, I feel like I have to force smiles, I feel worn down, I feel withdrawn from everyone!  I feel sad, tired, and just have to fight through each day! I also used to be someone who loved to get together with people ALL THE TIME!  I loved to plan get-togethers and get involved!  Now, I just hide in my house because the thought of doing anything else overwhelms me to the tilt!  I hate being this Laura!  I have so many reasons to be happy and excited about life and I do feel those things at times.  However, I mostly feel pressure on so many levels.  One of my weaknesses is being a people-pleaser, to the point of giving up who I am and how I feel to make someone else happy.  I know I shouldn't but, I still do it to avoid someone being mad at me, angry with me, not liking me, or being disappointed in me.  So, for me to change on the outside.....I really think I need to figure out how to fix who I am on the inside!  Because if I don't care about myself anymore and don't want to improve my heart and attitude, then how the heck can I do the same for my outside????  I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, I get that but, maybe someone will relate and can give me advice.