Tired of the Funk!

Depression is something I've struggled with for years now, at least 13 years that I can recall.  Sometimes it's not too bad and other times it's really bad.  The worst I can remember is when I had post-partum depression with Connor.  They nearly diagnosed it as post-partum psychosis because it was so bad.  I would never wish it on my worst enemy.  So, since then I've never had it that bad but, have had other forms.  Well, the past couple of months, I've really been struggling.  I feel a lot of things, some I won't post here for fear of what people might think of me.  The biggest causes or reasons for my despression are:

1. Money!  Never, in a million years, did I think that if we went to Law School we would be hurting for money and not getting by.  We're in a tight and scary situation and, often we re-think our idea of law school and think that it must not have been the right choice.  There are a lot of thoughts and frustrations and worries we have since law school.  We feel bad that we don't live in our own house.  We feel bad our kids don't have a fun yard to play in.  We feel bad our kids can't have a pet right now.  We feel bad we can't do all the things with our kids, that we'd love to do.  It makes me sad and it really makes Mike feel bad.  He feels like he's failed us, which I try to assure him he hasn't.  I know he's doing the best he can and working hard for us and for himself.
2. Being a Mom is HARD for me!!!!!  I struggle every single day.  I'm not a calm, always pleasant, sweet, and gentle Mom.  I have a temper, I get frustrated easily, and I have MAJOR ANXIETY!!!!!  My poor kids really put up with a lot, with me as their Mom.  I'm not trying to be a martyr or looking to have people tell me I'm a good Mom.  I honestly believe and feel, with all my heart, that I am seriously lacking mommy skills!  I love my kids and adore them, very much!  I just have no patience.  I was recently told that without kids, maybe I'd actually be a happy person.  That hurt me to the core! I feel bad for how I act and treat my kids and definitely blame myself for how Connor struggles.
3. I feel like I don't quite fit in with anyone here.  Don't get me wrong, I have people here that I love and adore, great acquaintances, etc.  However, I can only think of one person who gets me and can even put up with me and all my faults and weaknesses.  I'm grateful for that one person.  The rest, I really have to watch how I act or I can be a handful and too much to handle.  I need friends, people I can open up to, be honest with, and be myself with.  So, I feel lonely and sad and down.  I need to stop comparing my life now, with the life I had in law school.  In law school, we were always hanging out with someone because our husbands were always gone to school.  We were a family.  I need to grow up and move on from that way of thinking.  I really need to focus on my family, make them my best friends, and then the rest of the friends I get to have are awesome perks!

Thank heavens I have my exercising!  Thank heavens I can find joy in my accomplishments there.  However, even then I find myself being really hard on myself and not being patient with who I am.  I try to be others and need to remember that I'm me and am doing my best and have come leaps and bounds!